Today marks 9 years since I had a mother/daughter talk with my momma. 9 years ago this morning she woke up and knew that her end was near and asked my dad to call asking us to come. It’s a day that I don’t want etched in my memory but we don’t always get to pick those things in our story. May 4th, 2007 was a beautiful Friday here in Missouri and I was in charge of child care for a mom’s Bible study at the Christian school in our town and had just arrived when he had called. I remember being in tears when another mom walked through the nursery doors and how she stayed with me talking and praying with me for that hour…at the time she was pretty much a stranger and she gave up her time with her friends downstairs just to be with me. Her showing up and caring meant more to me then I ever would have thought on this morning.
After the Bible study ended it was a race around town to get mail stopped, my girls checked out of preschool and kindergarten for an unknown amount of time and to get everything we might possibly need packed. We had already picked out clothes for her service because we knew her time was limited…for that I was thankful so I didn’t have to think about shopping during that time. I loaded the Durango up and picked Adam up from work before making the 3 hour trip to my parents home.
That late afternoon and evening was spent just talking with her in her room while she laid in the hospital bed that had been delivered several weeks earlier. We talked about lots of different things and laughed over so many memories. She had found her laughter and started to joke around not to many weeks earlier…something Adam and I mentioned not really ever hearing in the past and oh how I wish I would have had the privilege of knowing that mom just a little longer. The more we talked I found out she always had been that way but had just kept it inside her for way to long. I found out that she was responsible for hanging one of the boys underpants on the flag pole on a church youth trip that she helped with when I was only 12 and then she went on and on about so many other memories.
I’m so glad we had those hours because when she woke up the next morning she was very confused and much weaker. I remember she kept asking my sister how in the world she can keep her house clean…which is funny that my mom was asking my sister for cleaning advice because my mom kept the house spotless except for her organized piles of papers and many sticky notes plastered everywhere! While I don’t remember everything or honestly even much of what we all talked about on this day 9 years ago, it will always be etched in my memory that this was the last day I was able to talk to my momma as her little girl.
Today I have a to go to the dreaded dentist office~I absolutely HATE going and probably put it off to long which will now cost my family more money then I care to think about.
I’ve always dreaded going to the dentist, I don’t exactly remember what happened at the one I went to as a small child but I do remember my mom storming out of that place with me in tow and we never went back to that particular one. Honestly my fear could have more to do with that reaction then the actual situation that happened prior to her storming out. Which is a good mom reminder to keep my emotions in check around my own children in situations like that!
This morning I sat down and opened my Instagram and the first picture I saw was a Bible verse that was much needed for me today~just another gentle reminder that God loves me and cares enough about me to even help calm my nerves today! The verse is Joshua 1:9 “Be strong and courageous! For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”
I’ve known that I am deeply loved by Him, that He does care about me (even about the small things) and that He is always with me. But having this reminder, which we all need from time to time, was exactly what I needed to kick my wimpy self to the curb, pull out my big girl panties and put them on for the day! With God sitting next to me in that dentist chair I will be alright and who knows, maybe my fear of going will be resolved after today!
Friends, if there is something you aren’t looking forward to please talk it over with God and invite Him to join you in facing your fears. He loves you, cares for you and is always with you wherever you go.
I’ve always wanted to write a book~When I was diagnosed with Lyme Disease I decided I was going to keep a journal, writing in it every few days and then maybe one day have a publisher interested in it. I thought I would share with you today’s entry…maybe one day you will read it again in my book and maybe this will be the only format it will ever be in. While this isn’t the story I dreamed I would be living it is my life and I want to be grateful for every adventure that God sends me on. If I can be an encouragement to one person then that has made it all worth it.
Tuesday April 26th, 2016…The 1st day of treatment is finally here! I didn’t realize how much anticipation for this afternoon I would have when I woke up. Excited, nervous, relief and if I’m totally honest somewhat scared. I don’t know much about my treatment except the parts that my friend has shared with me about hers. Four o’clock can’t here fast enough for me to make the first of an unknown number of drives to his office.
The part of me that is excited can’t wait to start to feel better, the funny thing is up until the last couple weeks I didn’t realize that how I felt really wasn’t normal. Heck, I might not even really know what feeling normal really is at this point but it’s gotta be better then this…right??? The nervous part of me keeps thinking about the “what ifs” with treatment, work, finances to pay for this treatment and so on. What if it makes me horribly sick and I can’t work, or what if treatment doesn’t help and I become sicker with time? These are the thoughts that I have to push aside and remind myself that God is in control and not to worry but to chose joy and gratefulness at all times. The part of me that feels relief is excited not to wake up in the middle of the night not able to move my legs without using all of my body strength or not to drop my bottle of shampoo more mornings then not because my hands just don’t get a tight grip on it like they use to. I am relieved to know that I have an answer for these odd things that my body seems to be randomly doing in the early morning hours. Then there’s the part of me that’s scared…what if none of the treatments work, what if I’ve passed this on to my family and one day this disease will rear its ugly head inside their bodies and then for selfish reasons what if I’m not able to live until I’m 100 or even be here long enough to play with grandchildren and enjoyed retired life with Adam? Once again these are thoughts that while they push to the front of my mind on a daily basis I have to learn to find the joy in today, celebrate the small things in life and cherish the time I do have here with my family and friends~if it’s 65 more years, months, weeks or even days.
So today I am choosing JOY and GRATEFULNESS and celebrating that today, Tuesday April 26th is the day that I get to start treatment. None of us are guaranteed to live past this second so we might as well live happily with the story God has given each of us.
Ever have those days when you just want to pack up and run far, far away from wherever you are? And while I would never actually run away, these days come to haunt me when I least expect them to. Today I think the weight and worry of the last few months have just caught up with me and I just about lost it while making brownies! The fear and worry of wondering how we will pay for this or that while still attacking our debt, the fear and worry of not knowing what treatment for my Lymes Disease will be or how it will react with my body, the fear and worry that something besides the Lyme is wrong with me when the pain gets almost unbearable at times, the fear and worry that I’m somehow in someway messing up my kids or my marriage. It’s days like these that I need to take a step back and take a big deep breath and remind myself that God is in control and fearing or worrying about the “what ifs” or the “wish I would haves” will change nothing except my happiness for today. So for today, while I might cried over a dropped bowl of brownie batter, I will rise up over my fears and worry’s and embrace the beautiful day that God has graced me with.